Validating volatile and avoidant couples
However, his findings are not what you might think.
Money problems, sex, your in-laws, and the host of usual suspects are not at the root of relationship dissatisfaction.
Conflict is an inevitable component of human relationships but the critical emphasis lies not in the level of frequency, or why it occurs, but how conflict is understood and resolved.
In order to achieve this we need to understand one another’s style of dealing with conflict.
The key is not what you argue about but how you argue.
I have yet to see this type of couple in session and there may be a reason for that beyond coincidence.
John and Julie Gottman (1999) describe three styles by which partners can understand conflict and resolve problems within their relationships.
Validating The validating style within relationships involves regular compromise, a desire and an ability to identify and incorporate your partner’s point of view into the decision making process.
Sure there are things that make a relationship more likely to be successful, but they are fool proof by no means. PURPOSEFULLY inject negative interactions to align with some goofballs formula. Gottmans prediction rate (for divorce) is 90 or 85 or 94 percent accurate (depending on the study)" So he's still wrong some of the time. Happily married couples behave like good friends, and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. You will read all about them in this book, particularly criticism and contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal, loneliness and isolation. When I started the research I assumed, like most researchers and clinicians, that anger was destructive if there was “too much” of it.
Happily married couples are able to repair negative interactions during an argument, and they are able to process negative emotions fully. But when I looked at what predicted divorce or separation, I found that anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive....